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Media article: What is ‘real sex?’

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(Written 2/99 for an online women’s health magazine, www.herhealth.com)

Paula’s fantasy has always been to find her dream guy with whom sexual intimacy will be the best. But, what is the best, we asked? Paula’s answer was “it is fooling around and having an orgasm through sex”.

She came to us quite upset because she cannot have sex with her boyfriend. However, she can enjoy manual and oral stimulation with orgasms, “but this is not sex”, says Paula.

It has been a common complaint by many patients who come to us feeling like Paula. They believe in the image the media presents of beautiful, satisfying, perfect sex, culminating in gratifying intercourse with orgasm. How easy and simple! So, how come it doesn’t happen to them, in reality? And, how come some women have no problems and others need help?
Although nature provided us with the necessary body parts and physiological know-how, our emotions may present the biggest obstacle to overcome.

The following list summarizes some of the most common causes of sexual difficulties that stand in the way of “Real Sex”:

  • Incomplete understanding of the definition of sex: Anything that involves sexual wants/likes/stimulation IS sex, including romance, intimacy, fantasy, etc.
  • Unrealistic expectations: What the media presents is not reality. Most couples will have to explore their sexual styles in order to arrive at that ‘wonderful experience’.
  • False information: The only way a woman can have an orgasm is through intercourse. WRONG! She will always need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. Vaginal penetration of any kind (a finger, a vibrator, intercourse) will enhance her pleasure but will not bring her to orgasm by itself.
  • Inhibited choices: Satisfying the man through intercourse should satisfy the woman too… WRONG, AGAIN. The woman should feel free to explore and voice her own sexual choices and desires in order to reach enjoyment and satisfaction. She should not feel bad if intercourse just “doesn’t do it for her” and it is only “for him”. In turn, she should feel free to voice her preferences before and/or after his satisfaction.
  • A myth: Both partners should orgasm together. The truth: It takes sexual practice to develop the necessary rhythm and timing to do this. But, it is not a MUST nor do all couples practice it. Complete enjoyment and sexual satisfaction is not a contest, but rather a choice for pleasure.

Once Paula was able to get in touch with her true inner feelings about her own sexuality, she was able to practice her new knowledge and understanding and has been leading a happy, fulfilling sexual life.

So, what is “Real Sex”? Let’s define it as any enjoyable and satisfying sexual activity that ‘invites more nice’…

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  • Shawna Vernon says:

    This article makes me feel alot better i fantasize about someone alot we communicate in other ways that i guess you would say is intimate to us. And i dont think an orgasm is necessary to completely enjoy sex being touched and wanted by him would drive me wild i like intercourse alot as i get older im less and less interested unless i care about the person