Saying Yes when you really want to say No
(Written 9/98 for an online women's health magazine www.herhealth.com)
Pamela is an attractive 24-year-old college graduate in her first year as a systems analyst with a prestigious firm. Although she dresses elegantly, her body image tells a different story...
As a child, Pamela was an accomplished gymnast yet she could not stop comparing her own body to the other girls, many of whom were much thinner than her. Pamela's love for gymnastics and her family's support were overshadowed by her perception of being overweight and unattractive.
Her parents were immigrants to this country, coming from the "old school" where girls where expected to get married and raise a family. Although they did not see the merit in higher education, they did not interfere with her college plans.
Pamela did not share her dating experiences with her parents in fear of undue pressure to settle down and because SEX was a taboo topic. Other than the little she overheard when her mother and aunt were talking about not wanting to have sex but "had to do it to please their husbands and to keep their marriages intact", she had no guidance at all. Therefore, Pamela was under the impression that whether she wants sex or not, she has to do it for her partner, a fact that caused her to be quite anxious and upset at the slightest suggestion of intimacy. Yet, she would often dream of being in a loving relationship where sex was mutually consensual and fulfilling.
Pamela was referred to us for treatment of her pelvic pain and her inability to undergo a pelvic examination due to vaginismus (involuntary muscle spasms around the vagina - see prior article). Throughout the treatment process, two major concerns surfaced:
- She felt so embarrassed about her body that she undressed in the dark, wouldn't let her boyfriend see her naked and always kept the lights out when they were intimate.
- She yearned for sexual intimacy yet was frightened and scared and could not state her preferences. For example, when her boyfriend wanted to have intercourse while she had her period, she consented due to her inability to say NO, LET'S WAIT UNTIL MY PERIOD IS OVER.
Pamela's course of therapy focused on explaining to her where her apprehensions came from, teaching her about her body & its functions, exploring her sexuality and preferences as well as resolving her emotional frustrations about her body image. By gaining insight into her problems, she was able to assert herself in her relationships and feel good about her choices without the fear of alienation and resentment.
Such fears and the inability to speak up are common problems for many women, young and old. Sexuality is being discussed and featured in the media in many ways yet women are not always taught to develop sexual likes and dislikes (preferences) and to feel comfortable stating them to their partners. Sexual preferences should be every woman's right and option: Frequency of sex, sexual positions, oral sex, anal sex, use of sexual toys, etc. Any choice is a good one if mutually liked and accepted by both partners. And remember: Not saying NO implies a YES!