Submitted by Christiane, October 2007 (click here for the German version)
Probably the biggest change in my life took place at the end of last year (2006): The end of my private pain and therefore the beginning of my (sex) life! And although it is now almost a year ago, there are times, when I still cannot belief it!
I am from Austria (Europe), 28 years old and until last December I was suffering from Vaginismus. Or put it that way: I had Sex with my first boyfriend, when I was 18, but it was hurting all the time. But I haven’t said a word, because… I don’t know, maybe because I was “too young”, “too happy”, “too shy”,… whatever! Fact is/was: I kept my mouth shut!
Things changed when I fell in love with Roland – my partner, my love, my (best) friend – more than eight years ago! Yes, things changed, but only in that way, that I said “No!” right from the beginning! I said: “It hurts! I can’t! There is so much pain! …” And for all the years – seven and a half – Roland was accepting it! Thank you so much, my love!
There were times, when we tried! But every attempt ended the same way: I was crying, terribly sad, frustrated and gutted for another time! And Roland? He has been accepting it all the time! Sometimes I told him, he should just “go for it!” as I thought, that perhaps, it – or better to say: I would change, if it works out fine one time. But he was not willing to do it, to “go for it”. Now, of course, I know, that he was right, but at that time, I just wanted to have intercourse.
I went to a psychologist – she couldn’t help me at all. I went to an “autogenic training” course – interesting course, but no success for my – “special” – problem! I went to see a doctor, who told me, that he has never ever seen such a “narrow” vagina. On the one side, this was a horrible “discovery”! On the other hand and although he was “wrong” (as my gynecologist told me some years later), I felt kind of relieved as I “finally knew”, that there is something physically “wrong”. But – thank God – he didn’t suggest to “cut it wider” (and to be honest, I don’t know, what I would have done, if he had…).
Besides all that attempts, all that “seeing-different-doctors” we went on with our life (lives)! The first years of our relationship were “easier”, as I was studying and therefore was living about two hours away. So we saw each other only on the weekends and during holidays. Most of the time, we tried to “forget” about our problem, tried to concentrate on our relationship, on our love. We wanted to enjoy the (little) time we had together.
But then I graduated and we moved in together. This was about four years ago. I thought, maybe, if we have our own space, our own apartment and “enough time”, things would get better. But again: nil return! On the contrary, it got worse as we didn’t even “try” any more. We were just living together, kissing sometimes, sometimes a bit, but really only a bit more! But never ever go further as we already knew, how it would end!
Friends around us had children and every time they asked: “When are you going to have kids?” Apart from “not being ready for kids yet”, there was always this horrible, mind-devouring certainty, that, even if we would have wanted kids (at that time), we couldn’t, because we were NOT HAVING SEX!
Every weekend I was thinking: “Perhaps, we could try it again!” But there was always another excuse – yes, from my side. Roland was – as he told me now – trying to concentrate on other things, was trying to brush his thoughts aside! I couldn’t do that! I was thinking about my, our problem all the time. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but it was there, all the time! The last year was kind of a roller coaster from “Perhaps this weekend…?” to “Try to forget about it”, from “Maybe it will work this time?” to “Try not to think about wanting to have kids”!
Then came last November! I had arranged an appointment at my gynecologist! She is a wonderful person, a great doctor, but, although she knew about my problem, she couldn’t help me! She definitely tried to and wanted to, but nothing changed.
But back to November 2006: So, my appointment at my gynecologist’s came nearer and I was thinking about “my/our problem” even more, than I have already been doing! I was really getting miserable. The day before the appointment I just couldn’t handle it any more and I just had to talk to one of my closest friends. She was just totally surprised as she – like anybody else – was thinking, that we are having a wonderful and “fulfilled” relationship! Well, somehow that was the truth! I mean, we just loved each other in the deepest way and we were “just missing the last bit” – but this “bit” was so heavy, so important and I couldn’t get on with that situation any more!
Besides talking and opening myself to my close friend, I was Googling, was searching the World Wide Web. Because, yes, I did “know”, that I was suffering from Vaginismus – or put it that way: I thought, I was suffering of a “thing called Vaginismus” (some years ago I was reading about it, and kind of made a self-diagnose, which was confirmed by my gynecologist). And so I found a report from a German woman, writing about her suffering and about her trip to New York, about her experiences at the Women’s Therapy Center. I was thrilled to finally see light at the end of this dark tunnel!
That evening Roland and I decided to finally “change” our situation. He just said: “OK, if you need to go to New York, you have to do it – no matter the costs!” But first I wanted to talk to my gynecologist because she knew me, knew my problem. I wanted to “give it another chance”.
So, the next day I told my gynecologist that I “was at the end”, that I couldn’t live with the fact “not-having-sex” any more. I told her about the Women’s Therapy Center, about these two doctors, who seem to be the only two persons in the world able to cure and heal! I told her about the book and she just said: “Get the book! And then start ‘training’! Start exploring yourself!”
Without having read the book or heard of Ditza and Ross and the Women’s Therapy Center before, my gynecologist just did the “right thing”: She told me to explore myself, to get to know myself! And she helped me also in another way: She said, that I should insert the “ultrasound instrument” (don’t know, how this “stick” is called in English… but I do hope, you know, what I mean!) by myself!!! I did and I “succeeded”! And somehow, this was the beginning of my new life.
I ordered the book. Started reading and although it was/is not a kind of “manual for self-help”, it helped me in that I noticed, that I am not at all the only one. The book taught me, how my vagina is looking, how it is “working”, how it is feeling. I explored and touched myself. I tried to insert “things”: first a smaller stick, followed by a cigar-tube, followed by a dildo. And it worked. Better and better from time to time! Roland was constantly supporting me – especially in just being there and listening to me, when I “found out things about myself”. Sometimes he also tried to insert his fingers – very gently and we got “better”.
And finally at the end of December – or rather December the 23rd 2006 –, we had sex!!! It was “terrific” for me (and of course for Roland). I mean, I had no orgasm, but I was able to have sex, was able to feel Roland inside me. And there was no pain! Since then, we are constantly “practicing” and as I wrote at the beginning: Sometimes we still cannot belief it!
Some weeks ago, we finally met Ditza and Ross, met the two wonderful “ladies” who changed our life.
When I found out about the Women’s Therapy Center and got the book, Roland and I decided to first try “on our own”. We said: “In case it won’t work, I will have to go to New York, to undergo the 2-weeks-program! In case, it works out fine, we will celebrate that, by traveling to New York (for me, one of the greatest places anyway!).” And so this September we spent our “celebration-vacation” in New York – one week, after two weeks driving around Lake Michigan! It was great – everything!
But finally meeting Ditza and Ross, getting the chance to say THANK YOU, was definitely a highlight of our trip!*
* Results may vary from person to person