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The doctor, seemingly at a loss as well*

My new wife and I exchanged our gifts and prepared to consummate our marriage. But our hopes were destroyed. The next few hours were filled with tears. She and I being optimistic and with some expectation that we would have difficulty and pain the first couple of times discarded it as inexperience in the sexual realm. We assumed we would work the kinks out on our honeymoon. We didn’t though. Each attempt was filled with pain and tears for both of us. I could not understand what was going on. Questions filled my mind like, “Was there something wrong with her?” “Was there something wrong with me?” We phoned our family and closest friends searching for answers with no avail.

When we returned home I headed straight for the library with the cellular phone in hand, making an appointment with my wife’s new gynecologist… Then with a sexual therapist… We consulted with our premarital counselors about this problem feeling it may be linked to some unresolved spiritual issue in our lives… With still no luck we consulted another gynecologist and our premarital counselor again… They told us of a story of another couple that had similar problems that were related to a thick hymenal ring that required surgery. My wife and I felt that finally someone believed us and that there was a logical answer.

At our appointment with yet another gynecologist we told our complete story. The doctor, seemingly at a loss as well, told us that yes, of course that could be the problem and, IF a thick hymenal ring were the problem – a hymenectomy would be the answer. She too was unable to do an internal exam to even evaluate my wife’s hymen and the thickness of it.

My wife was sold. This was the answer. I, on the other hand, was skeptical. One day while I was searching for answers I found a web site for the Women’s Therapy Center. But, my wife declined and I stood by her.

The following day she had the hymenectomy. The gynecologist that performed the procedure told us that she had excised some tissue, performed the hymenectomy, completed the internal exam inserting three fingers, and performed a pap smear. The pain my wife had for the next week or so was extreme and we had to abstain for any attempts or heavy petting for one month. Just two to three days after the surgery I knew that it had not been successful. She was still unable to touch herself even to apply her medication through an applicator in to her vaginal canal. At the end of the first month, at the first evaluation after her surgery, my wife was still unable to have an external or internal exam without completely breaking into tears in pain.

Our intimacy as a newly married couple had long since left. She would sleep several hours a day on her days off and go to bed early just to avoid any chance of intimacy. Arguments between us seemed to grow more and more frequently and in most cases there wasn’t even an issue except the bedroom issues of intimacy. I literally could not take much more. No I didn’t want a divorce or an annulment. I wanted to know whether I was going to live with this for the rest of my life or were we going to get through this. If we were not going to get through this I needed to adjust my mind set for that and quit expecting consummation.

After my wife affirmed that she did want help and to get past her vaginismus, she (for the first time) emailed the Women’s Therapy Center and we flew to New York.

The work that Ditza and Ross do is strictly medical. The process is not sexual in any manner. They were always reassuring to my wife and I. They would take the time to explain each activity that would be performed that day. There were never any surprises.

Finally, after six days of treatment (ten treatments), we were finally given the “go ahead” to have intercourse. My wife was so excited. She had been at the full size spacer for a couple of sessions and was ready. I was ready too; but, with several months of being forced to suppress feelings, I had some trouble “doing it” for about a day and a half. It was the most frustrating experience of my life. After months of my wife having troubles, it was now me that was the problem.

Ross and Ditza once again came to the rescue. They spent the afternoon talking to me and reassuring me that everything was going to be ok. I had become very depressed now. Most of the two hour session was filled with tears from both of us. Ross and Ditza sent us into the City for a Broadway performance and an evening in the city and instructions to take a day off and start trying again tomorrow.

The next morning, February 14, 2001, Valentine’s Day was the first time. It was great! Not because it was the most amazing sexual feat that has ever been known to man but because we consummated our marriage – something so many people told wouldn’t happen.

My wife kept saying was she felt like a real person, we are a real married couple. The work that Ross and Ditza do for The Women’s Therapy Center is priceless. They have allowed my wife to be a real person to have yearly gynecological exams, have the choice to wear tampons, allowed us to consummate our marriage and opened a whole new realm of intimacy for our relationship. THANK YOU ROSS & DITZA!*

– M.L.

* Results may vary from person to person

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