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Why do women tend to feel responsible if their male partner loses erection? Or to quote, “what am I doing wrong that he went soft?”

  • Can the woman control the function of erection?
  • Is it something wrong she does that causes him to lose it?
  • Should the woman be expected to ensure a good erection?
  • Is it fair to blame her for his losing it?

It is still widely perceived that women are responsible for the male’s sexual pleasure and that they are to do all they can to ensure his satisfaction.  This notion is deeply rooted in ancient perception of sex, sexuality, and gender inequality; thus far, neither enlightenment nor science managed to bring a change.

Some cultures and religions enforce this imbalance by implying that the man will suffer if not sexually serviced…  Medical school curriculum includes sexuality teaching from the male’s point of view, with only a few minutes devoted to female sexuality.  The media is firmly tilted as well, pressuring women to be and act sexy ‘like in the movies…’  And then there is a general lack of knowledge by the public about what female sexuality is all about.

Let’s all embrace a change.

And ladies — you are not responsible if he loses it!

About The Author

vaginismus specialist Dr. Ditza Katz team member Women's Therapy Center
  • account money February 28, 2010 at 12:32 pm / Reply

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    • Ratbu August 7, 2011 at 1:49 am / Reply

      I am a man and there are reasons why someone would lose his erection in front of a woman.
      They are:

      1.) Lack of physical attraction
      -Beauty is arbitrary. I personally think that a woman’s scent is just as important as her good looks. If her body literally stinks, that would soften my penis.

      2.) Being sexy (also arbitrary)
      -There are men like me who want women to make the first move by acting more seductive. A woman who are “naughty” in bed is a huge turn on. But not all men are the same.
      Other more traditional men prefer that men should make their first move and women should always act modest, etc. & sometimes play “hard to get”. In more conservative Islamic countries, it is considered a CHORE for a woman to have sex with his husband.

      3.) Aging.
      -From what I understand, when a man gets old, his blood circulation weakens. There will be not enough blood flow to his penis, resulting in less erect penis.

      4.) Not enough foreplay.
      – these include blowjobs, mutual masturbation, masturbation, caressing, touching other erogenous zones, etc. Maybe both partners are not creative enough in bed or a woman has too much inhibitions.
      Non-penetrative sex can be just as good.

  • RB February 9, 2010 at 4:58 am / Reply

    Sad, but true. Men are invincible when it comes to sex…at least, they think they are. Women are blamed for erectile dysfunction, infertility, among others, while common medical knowledge indicates that..YES, indeed, there is male involvement in several conditions.
    But of course, when it comes to things like vaginismus, only women are to blame. They’re psychologically-challenged, abnormally formed, whatever….Forget about the possibility that many women have worsened vaginismus due to pressure from spouses, or secondary vaginismus due to trauma.

    It would be nice if medical schools would teach Sexuality as a whole – including all sexual difficulties and orientations and possibilities. After all, clinicians will treat patients with varying degrees of sexuality. Not just women with problems….or perfect men.

    This post is unbelievable and really hits home…It’s sad how many people have suffered needlessly.
    I’m certainly game to embrace a change. Aiming to work in the health field myself, I certainly intend to appeal to people with all means of sexual preference and possible difficulties. But I’m an individual.
    How can we do it as a whole? I know you’ve lectured on topics like these in medical forums. Has there been appeals to change medical school curricula?

    Thanks for a valuable post, I’m game to try anything, and please keep up the excellent work! We need you!

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