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It does not take much for a woman to lose/stop sexual arousal and not reach an orgasm (climax).

If the woman does not have health issues, this problem will rarely be caused by physical factors except if clitoral stimulation is done beyond the level of comfort, i.e. too long, too hard, or without needed lubrication (remember: the clitoris does not self-lubricate!).

For a woman to get sexually aroused, she has to ‘shut down’ her mind and let herself get into the increasing ‘body nice’ sensations that will culminate in a orgasm.  Potential ‘stop signs’ that will kill arousal and orgasm include:

  • A wandering mind , or the inability to stop thinking about other matters
  • A worried mind: will the kids walk in? Will the parents hear us? Shall I answer the phone that is ringing? Will my partner notice the weight I put on recently?  Did I remember to take my Pill? Did he bring a condom?
  • Sexual concerns: It takes me longer to ‘get there’ and I feel bad for him… Am I clean enough down there? I don’t know how to tell my partner how I prefer to be stimulated… Am I as good (in bed) as his last girlfriend? Should I just fake it and get it over with??????
  • Dislike of partner
  • Feeling pressured to engage sexually
  • Being angry with partner
  • Extreme physical fatigue (the baby was up all night, the job demanded a lot of travel, caring for home and for aging parents, etc.)
  • Sexual boredom

An important fact: women will not necessarily orgasm every time they are stimulated and may, at times, ‘lose it’ without an apparent reason. However, this should not be happening on a regular basis.

Bottom line: the female’s mind acts as a sexual filter and ‘clogging’ it will kill the pleasure. Be attuned to your ‘stop signs’ so that you will be able to enjoy the sexual act to its fullest.

About The Author

vaginismus specialist Dr. Ditza Katz team member Women's Therapy Center

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