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Vaginismus: I’d rather end marriage than face treatment

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Is every woman with primary vaginismus willing to undergo treatment? To face her fears about the vagina and penetrations? To trust guidance? To be shown what is ‘healthy normal’ instead of a compromised vagina?  How much can a partner plea for treatment? And, does speaking with others who overcame vaginismus guarantee courage to face treatment?

Our extensive clinical experience — nearly 1200 women with vaginismus who came through our doors — is not that optimistic.  It is not unusual for us to field inquiries from women who are scared and overwhelmed by the idea of treatment that they opt to end their marriage/relationship instead of moving forward.

A husband reached to us a year ago, asking for tips and advice about how to urge his wife of several years to seek treatment for her primary vaginismus and their unconsummated marriage.  We counseled him, suggested ideas, and connected him with other couples from the same religious background who were cured.  He called twice more for further advice, and then we never heard back.  Until the following, which was posted a few days ago on our vaginismus support group page:

So sad today. There was a couple with vaginismus in my father’s congregation a few years ago. The husband confided in him as a church leader. My husband and I tried to help them. We spoke to them to let them know they weren’t alone. We let them know about available treatment.  The wife was just too scared to even attempt to believe there was a cure. He pleaded with her to go for help, but she kept finding excuses not to. (I did too for a long time, but finally took the leap and I was hoping she would too). Now I’ve just learned that they divorced and she is now back to living with her parents. I’m just so sad that she won’t get the help she needs to overcome this very painful issue. I feel sad picturing her living alone and feeling like less than a woman. Haven’t we all been there? But there is hope ladies!! if you’re contemplating going to treatment, please know there is a cure! Go!!

The following comments were posted in reply:

  • This is so sad and I feel for her. Too bad no one could get her past the fear to even meet with the doctors.
  • Maybe, she just isn’t there yet and too scared of the risk of blossoming… Don’t we all know that feeling?
  • Wow that is so sad. If only she could grasp hold of a vision of what her life could be like post-cure. I pray that somehow she finds the faith to believe and the courage to go.
  • Oh, that is very sad. She probably thinks vaginismus is just something she will always have to live with. I used to feel the same way. I really hope she will decide to get treatment soon, even if it is too late for her marriage.
  • I’m just sad that after years of knowing about the cure, having a really supportive spouse and having a small support system she still turned it away and let her marriage end. I just hope that she is able to gather her courage enough to go for herself.
  • This breaks my heart! I have a newly made acquaintance in a similar situation and I know that only SHE can make the decision for a cure. But God provided the funds with an unexpected check so there is nothing holding her back but the ugly fear monster. I remember the fear and skepticism but wish there was some way to give her the hope and confidence she needs to just try. Ugh, it is so sad. I will be praying for your friend today along with my own.

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