J'ai 37 ans et je viens de sortir des chaînes d'une maladie à vie pour laquelle je n'avais pas de nom jusqu'à il y a quelques années.
At XNUMX, I tried to use a tampon; like my best friend, I failed on the first attempt. Unlike my best friend, I continued to fail for another XNUMX years. At XNUMX, I tried to have sex. Again, I felt “too tight,” like my best friend said she did too. Again, she quickly got past it. I never did. Too embarrassed to admit that I wasn’t entering womanhood like everyone else, I lied, played along during ‘girl talk’, and fabricated an image of myself that even I started to buy into. I got very good at lying to everyone including myself. “Next time,” I figured, “it will work.” I hadn’t met the right guy, wasn’t in the right frame of mind, etc. I drank more and more alcohol, hoping I would go numb enough to be able to have sex. I couldn’t.
The excuses piled up, and I suffered one broken relationship after another. I never told any of the guys what was wrong with me, even after I figured out, on my own, that I had vaginisme. The words were impossible to find, in part because saying it would make it real. I kept hoping the problem would magically disappear, that I was somehow imagining it. I resented my body, hated it for trapping me, betraying me, working against me instead of with me. I hated myself for not having the strength to just get over it, to “relax” as the doctors told me.
The first gynecologists I visited made me feel ridiculous. None of them diagnosed me with vaginismus. One of them laughed at me. I finally found a compassionate physician, but it was I who told him what I had, not the other way around. And even he seemed to think I could get over it by learning to relax. He sent me home with anti-anxiety pills and dilators, and needless to say, this proved useless.
I tried everything: psychotherapy, tapes, relaxation techniques, vaginismus chat groups. It just seemed to get worse, if that was possible. Every time I tried to insert anything, I would experience a severe panic attack, with the sweats, the shakes, and I would almost blackout. I never even got close to succeeding. I discovered the Women’s Therapy Center online but did not believe it would work for me. I read the témoignages and concluded that none of the women who were cured could have suffered from the same thing as me. I resigned myself to the reality of things: that I would always have this problem, that it was incurable, that my case was so severe it could never be “penetrated,” so to speak… I cried one long, last time about this last year. It was the culmination of two decades of crying. The shame, the anger, the embarrassment, the loneliness, the alienation, all seemed to explode inside me.
Quand j'ai abandonné tout espoir, c'est quand j'ai finalement franchi le pas que je devais faire. N'ayant plus rien à perdre, je me suis rappelé le dicton zen: «Sautez et le filet apparaîtra.» J'ai sauté et, étonnamment, le filet est apparu sous la forme de Dr Ditza et le Dr Ross.
I enrolled in the XNUMX-week program. The first days were so hard for me. My “demons” kept trying to take over my body and co-opt the process. Drs. Ditza and Ross would not let them. Every time the demons came, they angrily made them leave. I was not strong enough to fight the demons myself yet, because these demons had become a part of who I was. There is comfort in what is familiar, even when the familiar is awful. I was deeply grateful to Ditza et Ross pour les avoir combattus pour moi, aussi effrayant que cela puisse être.
Après seulement deux jours, j'étais assez fort pour repousser les démons par moi-même. Je ne pouvais tout simplement pas y croire. À la fin de la première semaine, je ne voyais plus du tout mes peurs comme des démons; Je les ai vus comme de petits enfants idiots qui pensent qu'ils savent le mieux et veulent diriger la série, et qui doivent être souriants et se rappeler qui est en charge: moi! Le vrai, sain, moi!
J'ai fait de grands progrès chaque jour et je suis passé de la certitude que je serais leur premier échec à un succès rapide. J'ai quitté le programme guéri.
Vous serez étonné de ce que votre corps peut faire, de la rapidité avec laquelle il s'adapte à une nouvelle réalité et de la capacité de votre esprit et de votre corps à faire ce changement. Une fois arrivé de «l'autre côté», vous ne régresserez jamais. Faites-vous confiance, faites confiance à votre corps et faites confiance Dr Ditza et le Dr Ross. J'ai fait et j'ai fini par me donner le plus beau cadeau que j'aurais pu recevoir dans cette vie *.
* Les résultats peuvent varier d'une personne à l'autre